A Banana a Day

Go Big Orange! I'm going medical and more today.

Turvy Tips

I’ve swallowed a canary & I can’t get it up!

Its song is muffled, my  mouth closed.
Its faux elation is shrill in my ears.
The hysterical wings tickle my throat.

I scan a list of names on my insurance documents.

There’s not a single canary specialist in my HMO,
nor even in the Yellow Pages.  Breathing hard
from the strain, I call a physicians’ referral service.
“Give me a good eyes, ears, nose,
throat & canary doctor, please,” I say,
my voice mixed with whistles & shrieks.
“This is no time for jokes, sir,” the referrer says.
“I need a number!”  I shout over the canary.
“Go to hell, sir!”  the referrer tells me.
I hang up the phone.

I’ve exhausted all home remedies.

There’s nothing left but to go bird fishing.
I allow a night crawler to squirm over my tongue,
guiding itself by my wisdom teeth.
The canary plays coy & doesn’t bite.

Uncle Andy used to work the mines.

He looks down my throat.
“Gonna blast him out?”  I ask.
“We used to take canaries into the mines
to detect methane gas,” he says.  “Maybe
we should take you beneath the earth,
if it’s not already too late.”

I put my hand across my mouth & feel

sorry for the bird.  How uncomfortable
it must be surrounded by gags,
lubricated by saliva & beer.
I don’t see how the poor thing escapes drowning,
or how I’ll ever eat another egg for breakfast.